Mature Daughters: A Mentoring Checklist for Daughters and Young Women
By Phillip G. Kayser · 2007-1-1
Note on how to use this book
It would be very easy for a daughter (or a parent) to be overwhelmed
when they first read through this book. Wow! I have to learn all that?!
However, these principles represent a life-time of growth in a woman’s
life, and it is likely that most women will not fully graduate from this
checklist. Therefore, to avoid discouragement, I strongly recommend that
you not take the whole self-diagnostic survey all at once. Instead,
this booklet can be a guide for several years of mentorship. This gives
time for a parent to learn right along with his or her child. This book
is designed to be a progress guide of what has been done and what still
needs to be accomplished so that mentoring a daughter becomes less
haphazard and more systematic. We have an expression: “eat the elephant
one bite at a time.” That is certainly appropriate for this “elephant.”
Do not worry about the fact that many issues in this book are beyond
your reach right now. Just select a few topics that you believe are most
critical, and work on those.
When I disciple my teen-aged daughters, I actually involve them in the
process of selecting which issues they want to work on. We don’t have as
a goal to be perfect in each area. Our only goal is to have some growth
in each area before marriage. I have asked my daughters to take a yellow
marker and to highlight two to six things each week that they want to
discuss and work on. Since the daughters are prayerfully involved in the
selection process, this makes it much more likely that a parent’s
mentoring will be useful and appreciated. Once we have made some good
progress on each of those items, we start to look at some new items in
which the daughter feels weak. This makes the booklet much less
daunting. The issues of this booklet are gradually achieved over many
years, not in one year.
While I am assuming that the father will take the lead in mentoring his
daughter, it will become very apparent as you progress through this book
that a father cannot do this alone. In fact, the Bible assumes that we
fathers will be somewhat clueless on how to mentor our daughters in at
least a few areas (Tit. 2:3-5). But we still need to be aware of the
progress our daughters are making. Preparing mature daughters is a team
effort of husband, wife, and daughter.
Why is this book different than the mentoring book for young men?
Valuing our Daughters as Daughters.
“Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.”
The description of the ideal woman given in Proverbs 31 begins with
God’s evaluation of her value, and it does so in a way that gives
women a tremendous sense of security. We tend to get our sense of
security from what others think of us. But Scripture begins with God’s
opinion. It gives us a God-centered focus on life. Unless our daughters
and our wives become strong in the issues outlined in the first major
section of this booklet (Christ – Developing a God-Centered and
Empowered Life), they will continually find themselves struggling with
their sense of security.
But just as importantly, God’s ascription of worth is for who she is,
and not what she does. “her worth is far above rubies…” It doesn’t
say, “The worth of her yearly output.” He starts with her as a person.
If you try to gain your sense of security by looking at all of the
expectations of others, or even the things that this ideal woman does,
you could very easily get discouraged. This woman didn’t walk into that
overnight. The things she did so well in this chapter flowed out of a
sense of who she was, not vice versa.
And this is how God starts the Bible. After declaring His entire
creation to be good several times in Genesis 1, God shocks us with the
following words after the creation of Adam: “It is not good that man
should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” There was
something about the woman that was needed. God could have been Adam’s
companion, but Adam needed a woman. Another man could have helped him
with his work, but he needed someone quite different to complement him.
God imputes great worth to a woman as a woman when He created Eve.
Following the creation of the woman, Scripture says for the first time,
“Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.”
Adam certainly felt this to be true because, prior to her being created,
there was nothing in all of creation that satisfied his need for a
helper suitable for him. She was worth more than rubies and more than
all the creatures that came before him. And she had that worth before
she did a single act of service. God's declaration that His creation
was very good was declared before she did anything. Her worth came from
who she was in God’s eyes and the role that she embraced, not from how
much she was able to accomplish.
I think if mothers could start with that principle rather than with all
of the actions of Proverbs 31, it would help them to be less stressed.
One of the dangers in looking at some books on Proverbs 31 is that they
will on occasion impute worth to a woman based upon how much she can do
based upon her performance. And as women read through the chapter they
can easily become intimidated. “Wow! Look at what the Proverbs 31 woman
does! She reads, teaches her kids, sews clothes, cooks, cleans, engages
in gardening, purchasing real estate, mercy ministries, runs a cottage
industry, manages the household, and never seems to go to sleep! I’ll
never measure up!” But measuring your worth by your ability to keep up
with this woman is a terrible danger to fall into. It is one that can
make you feel worthless during times of tiredness, sickness or even
during those times when you, perhaps as a new Christian, are learning
the ropes of what it means to be a Christian woman.
In fact, that is the very error of feminism. Feminists have declared
over and over again that the worth of a woman is measured by what kinds
of things she can do. If there is something a man is doing that a woman
is not allowed to do, she feels that her worth is being attacked. But
the feminist is doubly cursed. She not only has the jobs she has taken
from men, but still has all of her own work. So one of the things that
all of us need to learn (male and female) is that doing must flow from
being. Who you are in Christ is far more important than what you do
for Christ. Think about it: Does God really need your service? Does the
God who in one day created trillions and trillions of stars by the Word
of His power really need our service? No. He gives us opportunities
for service so that we can benefit. He gives us challenges so that we
can learn to depend upon Him, taste of His power, grow in our
relationship with Him, and learn to be pleased by pleasing Him. He cares
about us and our character far more than He cares about our yearly
output. Doing must flow from being, and you are valued by God not for
your doing, but for your being which results in doing.
Daughters are Different than Sons!
And what is your being? It has been and always will be womanhood.
Throughout eternity women will be women. You will never gain a sense of
value by comparing yourself to man. You will never gain your sense of
worth by trying hard to please others. It is in the sense that you are
secure in God’s grace and in God’s opinion of you that enables you to
serve even when unappreciated.
We live in a day and age when women feel demeaned if they are treated as
women. They want no distinctions between the sexes. All traditional
differences are being eroded in the interests of promoting a woman's
worth. The book of Proverbs contrasts the woman of folly and the woman
of wisdom. The woman of folly is abandoning her femininity. She rebels
against her husband, is boisterous and loud, tears down her household
rather than building up her household. The woman of folly is an
incredible description of feminism.
Elizabeth Elliot said,
"There is a fundamental and to me quite puzzling omission in most
'feminist' discussion - the failure to talk at all about femininity
[i.e., what is distinctive to women]."
"We are not required somehow to 'overcome' our sexuality. We afﬁrm it.
We rejoice in it. We seek to be faithful to it as we seek to use it as
a gift of God. Unfaithfulness to one's sex is unfaithfulness to
everybody… The husband who is not faithful to his masculinity
defrauds his wife, and the reverse is equally true."
We need to realize that ultimately, an attack upon God's definition of a
woman's worth is an attack upon God and God’s order. Elizabeth Elliot
"We are called to be women [not men]… I have accepted God's idea
of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am
and all that He wants me to be."
True worth comes when you embrace your calling to the Biblical model of
womanhood. Don’t worry what the world thinks about you. And don’t even
get your sense of worth from what you perform. Get it from God, and you
will be freed up to learn to do the things in this chapter.
We should train daughters differently.
From the time that our sons and daughters were toddlers, we began to
teach them the differences between males and females and helped them to
glory in their unique callings. Obviously, there are many things that
are the same: Both males and females have the same sin nature, the same
need for God’s grace, and the same need for a daily relationship with
God. Both males and females must learn how to relate to the communities
of family, church, and culture. Both must learn how to grow in character
and in competencies. But a daughter’s feminine calling shapes and
influences everything in profoundly different ways than a son’s
leadership calling will. We want to prepare our daughters to be godly
mothers and wives. It is not our goal to make them clones of our sons.
For example, we gradually trained our sons to be more and more
independent of parental control. While our daughters were able to earn
some side money by taking on extra jobs for us, our sons earned a great
deal of money both from the family and outside the family. While we
bought everything our daughters would need, we gradually had our boys
select and buy more and more of their own clothing. While we taught our
sons how to be initiators and leaders, we taught our daughters how to be
responders and help-meets to leaders (a kind of leadership in its own
right). Even the sexual temptations that our boys faced were different
than those faced by our girls. The point is that our leadership training
will take on a different look with the girls than with the boys.
What should daughters do after graduation?
We have frequently been asked the question of what to do with daughters
who have graduated from high school. Should they leave the home? Should
they go to College? Should they have continuing education in the home?
Should they help the family business? While the answers to these
questions profoundly affect how the principles in this book will be
applied, I will only seek to give general principles here:
Take your cues from Scripture
First, this is not a time to stop glorifying God (1 Corinthians 10:31).
Another way to say this is that this is not a time to start taking your
cues of what to do from the world. Parents who have provided a Christian
education for their children have bucked the expectations of government,
neighbors and even Christian friends in order to provide what they
believed God wanted for them. But oddly, many of these same parents stop
bucking and start conforming when it comes to the question, “What’s a
daughter to do after graduation?” Without even batting an eyelid, they
embrace the paradigms, expectations and pressures of the world for
education and preparation for life. If we would take our cue from the
Bible rather than college recruiters, our answers might be different.
Bring these years into sync with the woman’s primary calling
Compare the words that Scripture uses to describe a wife with the words
used to describe a daughter. Often, the years from graduation till
marriage are quite different from these descriptions. Why? Ephesians 5
describes a wife’s role as including submission, respect of her husband,
being cleansed with the water of the word, being loved, protected, and
connected, belonging, being nourished and cherished. But these are the
very principles that godly parents have been seeking to provide and
instill into their daughters for their first 16-18 years. So you have
16-18 years of Ephesians 5 principles, and hopefully many more years of
Ephesians 5 principles after you are married. So it is puzzling that
many parents seek to get their daughters to do the exact opposite from
the time that they are graduated until such time as they get married.
Though the daughter of marriageable age in 1 Corinthians 7 is living at
home, under the father’s authority and being protected by his authority,
modern girls are often sent off to live at a dorm in another state only
seeing their parents twice a year, if that. They are learning how to
survive independently. They are not being protected, nourished or
respected. Instead they are being disrespected by teachers who are
hostile to their faith. They are being exposed to the affections of
other young men and are gradually losing their sense of belonging,
security and being daily watched over. Then suddenly at marriage, the
father wants to step in again and give his daughter away and hope his
daughter will relearn the principles of Ephesians 5 with her new
authority. Others get jobs and learn financial independence and then
have to switch gears at the time of marriage. Some have more connection
with their bosses at work than they do with their dads, or later with
their husbands. There is a disconnect between graduation and marriage
that doesn’t look anything like what they will eventually become by
In fact, you can diagram it this way:
From birth until graduation homeschoolers learn the beauty of femininity
and all the godly characteristics of a dependent wife. Then after
graduation they learn to live quite the opposite. Then when they get
married, hopefully they learn those principles of Ephesians 5 once
again. Scripture’s general philosophy is that we should remove this
disconcerting piece in the middle. There is no such thing as graduation
from home in the Bible. Daughters continue to need the protection, love,
nurture, sense of belonging and care under their fathers that Ephesians
5 says will be transferred to the husband. Parents should think of their
daughter’s next major transition as being marriage, not graduation.
Don’t leave and cleave prematurely
Ordinarily, daughters should not leave their father’s authority till it
is time to cleave to their husbands. This doesn’t mean they can’t go on
trips. Even the Proverbs 31 woman went on trips. But the relationship
and protection of their “authority” needs to be present. 1 Corinthians 7
indicates that a virgin daughter stays at home until her father gives
her in marriage. And that text indicates that this is true even when
she is getting past the flower of her age. Other Scriptures say the same
thing: Genesis 24:21; 29:19; 34:8; Exodus 22:17 are four examples. But
this feminine need for protection was true of even divorced or widowed
women who either came under the protective covering of their father (as
in Genesis 38:11 and Leviticus 22:13), or a son (as in the case of John
19:25-27 where Jesus took that role for His mother), or a grandson (as
in 1 Timothy 5:4), or another member of the family (as in 1 Tim. 5:16),
or a friend of the family (as when Jesus gave His mother into the care
of the apostle John) or (in worst case scenario) under the protective
care of an elder (as in 2 John and 1Timothy 5:1-19). But the bottom line
is that God wants the hearts of sons and daughters to be restored to the
fathers and the hearts of fathers to be restored to their children. The
last verse of the Old Testament indicates that the mess we are presently
in today is precisely because of this problem.
In the musical, Fiddler on the Roof, Tevya spoke of his beloved town of
Anatevka saying, “In Anatevka everyone knows who he is and what God
expects him to do.” That’s not always the case in our modern world.
Everything seems up for grabs. And daughters especially don’t know what
their place should be. My eldest daughter always dreads the questions
people tend to ask after graduation: “What school are you going to?”
“What do you want to do when you get out of College?” “Where are you
going to live?” Our pat answer is that she is going to Kayser University
for a M-R-S (Mrs.) Degree and will be continuing to live where she has
always lived – at home, where she will be loved and protected. And
people are usually just as shocked about that as they were when we first
started having home education, and when we had more children than the
American average. And their arguments are just as lame. Any time you
buck the culture, you will find people who don’t understand. This is not
to say that women shouldn’t get a College Degree, or shouldn’t start a
business. It’s just how they do so that will make all the difference in
Fathers should help their daughters pursue an M-R-S degree
We joke about the M-R-S degree. It is preparing our daughters for
marriage. If College fits into that, fine, do it – preferably by
extension and preferably without debt. Why spend $60,000 on preparing
for a career that most women will only have a .325% chance of ever
needing. But this does not mean we are opposed to education. There is
much learning, mentoring and ministry that can ease the transition into
motherhood. On the learning side, let me put in a plug for you to read
and digest R. J. Rushdoony’s book, The Institutes of Biblical Law,
volume 1. Doug Phillips said that this book was the best and most
influential book that he has ever read. His father said that this was
the book that most profoundly shaped his life. Andrea Schwartz said that
it grounded her not only in richer homeschooling, but became the basis
for being able to discuss any area of life from a Biblical perspective.
There are many other great books that girls should master.
Girls should learn how to raise leaders
But there is more to discipleship than education. When a girl gets
married, she will be a leader under her husband’s authority. And it is
critical that she knows what is involved in raising leaders. Even when
they are young, they can start doing some of the things that married
women do. They can start teaching their younger siblings. They can
extend hospitality. They can begin to develop skills that a future
husband might need. They can begin strategizing how to implement the
principles in this booklet and the leadership booklet for boys into the
lives of their future children.
Make sure that God has your heart
Finally, make sure God has your heart. Make sure you know what it means
to find delight by delighting Him. Make sure you understand the secret
of intimacy with God. If dwelling in the secret place of the Almighty is
not the most natural part of your life right now, such intimacy will be
crowded out by the busyness of motherhood. Victoria Brookes said,
Our ministry to mankind, though important in its own right, must
always be the result of communion with God, never the other way
around. Any work that we do among men, women, and children here on
earth must emerge directly from our intimacy with God. Nothing less
can sustain it (John 15:4-7). Any comfort we give, any help we offer,
must always be colored by our contact with God’s heart. Everything we
do to fulfill the second commandment must always pass through the
filter of the first.
Whatever worthwhile tasks and goals we may pursue here on earth, it is
ultimately God’s pleasure, not our productivity, that validates our
“What is the chief end of man? To glorify God and enjoy Him forever!”
With great rejoicing these words have become the theme of my
existence. The woven word of God has wrapped me fully round and now I
wear these simple sentences everywhere. I never take them off. I sleep
in the comfort of their closeness and walk with them through each new
day. I never tire of their pattern. I attend christenings and funerals
alike in this garment; and in this I will be buried, for it is what I
want to be wearing when I meet Him face-to-face. I am sealed for all
of time in this apparel of praise, cloaked in the sure knowledge that
I do not exist for me at all. I have been created for God. 
Conferences available for those who are overwhelmed
Many parents have felt overwhelmed with the task of raising godly
children because they themselves have never been trained. Therefore
Biblical Blueprints is seeking to provide more seminars in America and
abroad relating to parenting, leadership training, marriage and family,
worldview, theology and other subjects. Please contact us for more
information about our conferences. May the Lord prosper your efforts as
you use this guide to raise daughters who seek to honor God with
everything that they are and have.
Rank yourself in each of the competencies that follow.
Fill in each blank according to this scale:
Press the Tab key to go move from field to field.
Answers will be remembered if you close the page and come back later.
The lower your score in a section,
the better prepared you are to be married. Keep in mind that most
people will be overwhelmed if they try to fill this book out in one
sitting. Remember to “eat the elephant one bite at a time.”
Christ - Developing a God-Empowered Life
Do not overlook this section. The most important thing we
can do with our daughters is to make them secure in their relationship
with God. We are successful if we can show our daughters how to derive
the strength, wisdom, joy and graces they need from the fountainhead,
Jesus Christ. Think of how Jesus developed in his leadership (see Luke
2:52). His parents were involved (v. 51), but it was the heavenly Father
that was the source of all Christ’s leadership. Everything Jesus did in
His leadership flowed out of His relationship with the Father. He was
fully and inwardly submitted to the Father’s will. He said, “For I have
come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of Him who
sent Me.” (John 6:38). We have no authority when we are not submitted to
God’s authority. All authority flows from God. We cannot give life if we
are not experiencing life from God. We do not have power and joy if we
are not experiencing God’s power and joy. Jesus said in John 5:19, “Most
assuredly I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He
sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like
manner.” The Father was the source of all Christ’s words and works and
wisdom and power. In John 5:30 Jesus said, “by myself I can do nothing.”
If that was true of Jesus, how much more so should it be true of each of
us? In John 15:5 Jesus said, “Without Me you can do nothing.” But the
same verse says that if we abide in Christ we will bear much fruit. Paul
said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil.
4:13). Our maturity is powerfully impacted by the strength of our
fellowship with the Triune God. If we want our daughters to have the
savor of Christ, then we need to make sure that we teach them how to
enter into union with Christ and how to abide in union and fellowship
Deep Communion with God
I know God more deeply this year than I did last year.
I have a fairly constant awareness of God’s presence and working in
my life. (It is rare that 15 minutes goes by without thinking about
I include God in my mental musings.
I often find myself praying the newspaper (or other news) to God.
It is very easy for me to turn Scriptures into prayers of thanks,
adoration or petition. The Scripture makes my heart want to respond
to the Lord.
I know at least 50 of the names and titles of God and Christ and
they form a meaningful part of my prayer life.
At least once a year I spend from ½ a day to a whole day in
communion with God.
I experience God’s supernatural joy during sad times as I thank and
praise Him by faith.
I experience the Lord’s strengthening power helping me during
sickness, weakness and weariness.
My prayer journal shows many answered prayers and I thank God from
time to time for His wonderful works in my past.
Being still/quiet before God is not difficult. (I don’t constantly
have the urge to get up and do something “important.”)
Average for Deep Communion with God:
Developing a Sonship Relationship vs. an Orphan Heart
View of God:
I see God as a loving father, dependable and consistent. Not as a harsh master.
I have full trust in God and am dependent on him. I am not self-reliant.
I am secure in justification and the love of God. I am not seking the approval of man.
Motive for service:
I serve out of gratitude for God's acceptance, as an expression of love for God, motivated by God's love for us. Not personal achievement, trying to impress others.
God's acceptance gives me a secure framework for enjoying the law, liberty. I don't look to rules as a framework for gaining acceptance.
I feel rest, security, peace.
I find the disciplines to be a means of enjoying God, not a duty or for brownie points.
I want to be holy, I delight in holy intimacy with God.
I am humble, confident, joyful in acceptance, I feel sorrow when God is displeased, but no loss in acceptance.
I find comfort in solitude with God, and enjoy my relationship with God. I do not seek comfort in addictions, compulsions, escapism, busyness, hyper-activity.
I am able to rejoice over others people's blessings. I do not feel rivalry or jealousy.
Handling faults of others:
My love covers other people's faults, I am gentle and patient. I do not accuse or expose others to make them look bad and make myself look good by comparison.
View of authority:
I respect authority, seeing it as God's gift. I do not distrust authority or view it as a source of pain.
View of admonition:
I view admonishment as a blessing, I want my sins exposed and put to death. I do not resist admonition out of insecurity or because I must be right.
Expression of love:
I am open, patient, laying down my own agendas to meet the needs of others. I am not guarded, conditional, expressing love based on the performance of others.
Sense of God's presence:
I see God as close and intimate, not conditional and distant.
I feel libertated, not in bondage.
I feel like a child of God, not like an unappreciated servant.
I have a vision to experience more of God's grace, power, and presence in service, and to see His cause and kingdom advanced. I do not have a vision for seeking recognition.
I enjoy the fact that God's future is perfect and ushers me into more of my inheritance.
Average for Sonship Relationship:
I presently have a rich and growing relationship with Jesus Christ.
I have a daily time of prayer and Bible study.
I memorize Scripture every day
I meditate on Scripture daily.
I come away from sermons and devotions with an action list.
I regularly grow by implementing the action list.
I think I could effectively lead the family in devotions should my
future husband not be present.
God is a normal part of every aspect of my discussions.
I have no sacred/secular dichotomy in my life. All of life is
service to God.
I have a constant awareness of God’s presence and power in my life.
I can discern God’s providential tests in my life (integrity checks,
faith challenges, divine contacts, and lessons from life crises,
leadership backlash, isolation, etc).
I know how to benefit from a day-long spiritual retreat.
I know how to engage in spiritual warfare.
I have mastered the discipline of meditation on Scripture.
God has freed me from immoral thoughts.
God has freed me from bitterness, anger, and other negative
I no longer struggle with anxiety.
I know what it means to “walk in the Spirit” (Gal. 5:16), “sing in
the Spirit” (1 Cor. 14:15), to “worship…in the Spirit” (Phil.
3:3), to “rejoice in the Holy Spirit” (1 Thes. 1:6; Rom. 14:17), to
“pray in the Spirit” (Jude 20; Eph. 6:18), “love in the Spirit”
(Col. 1:18), be “led by the Spirit” (Matt. 4:1; Rom. 8:14; Gal.
5:18), be “moved by the Spirit” (Luke 2:27), be “compelled by the
Spirit” (Acts 20:22 NIV) and to have my “mind controlled by the
Spirit” (Rom. 8:6). I know what it means to have every part of me be
controlled by the Spirit (Rom. 8:6,9) so that I might “live in the
Spirit” (Gal. 5:25; Rom. 8:13). I want to be taught by the Holy
Spirit (1 Cor. 2:13), to speak by the Spirit since “no one can say
that Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 12:3).
I know what it means to walk by faith.
I have learned how to have a pure thought life.
Average for Spiritual Vitality:
I understand the Regulative Principle of
Worship and could defend it from Scripture.
I understand the degrees of flexibility that God allows within the
regulative principle of worship.
I understand both the need for awe (Heb. 12:28-29; Lev. 19:30; Eccl.
5:1; Mal. 1:6) and joy (Deut. 12:7,12,18; 14:26; Neh. 8:10) in
I can articulate the difference between formal worship and informal
I understand what it means to sing “with grace in your hearts” (Col.
My mind is always in gear when I sing (1 Cor. 14:15) so that I am
consciously worshipping and dwelling on wisdom, teaching and/or
admonishment (Col. 3:16).
I know how to read parts in music.
I practice for worship (Ps. 33:3; 1 Chron. 25:7-8).
I am skilled at knowing which Psalms to turn to for any given
I am skilled at using Proverbs to answer life’s problems.
I have learned how to base every aspect of my prayer life on the
Word of God.
I don’t preach at people in my prayers, but God is my object (Matt.
I seek to pray from the heart (Ezek. 33:31; Rom. 8:27), depending
upon the Spirit to give a “spirit of supplication” (Zech. 12:10) and
can honestly say that the Spirit stirs me up so that I am “praying
in the Holy Spirit” (Jude 20).
I use Saturday as a day of preparation for the Sunday Sabbath.
I come to worship with my sins confessed and spiritually prepared
(Is. 1:13; Amos 5:23; Psalm 50:16; Prov. 21:27).
I experience the presence of the Lord in the Lord’s Table, even
though I know there is no change in the elements.
I am able to express my emotions in a worship service.
When I lead in family worship, I am able to personally worship
I am not showy in worship, nor do I have any desire to entertain
(Ezek. 33:30-32; 1 Thes. 2:3-4; Gal. 1:10-11).
I see worship as a sacrificial giving to
the Lord of my best (Mal. 1:8,11,13,14; Heb. 13:15; Phil. 2:17;
Psalm 33:3; 1 Chron. 25:7-8). Therefore, I do not stay up late on
Saturday night because this would make me dull for Sunday worship.
Average for Worship:
I have a strong sense of my utter dependence upon God when I read
the Scriptures and I echo David’s cry, “Open my eyes that I may
behold wonderful things out of Your law.”
I know the rules for understanding the different literary styles
found in the Bible.
I have been following a systematic reading of the whole Bible.
I have read through the entire Bible at least once every two years.
I know how to do a word study.
I know how to use a concordance to find things in the Bible.
I know how to quickly find Biblical sites on a map.
I can give the basic gist of each book of the Bible.
I memorize verses every week.
I have done topical studies of Proverbs (finding every verse in
Proverbs that speaks to a given issue).
I read a Psalm or a chapter of Proverbs every day.
I have read at least one systematic theology textbook.
I can give at least some Scripture to prove every major doctrine of
the Bible: the Trinity, God’s attributes, the deity and humanity of
Jesus, the nature of man, the doctrine of salvation (calling,
regeneration, repentance, faith, justification, adoption,
sanctification, glorification), prayer, seven principles of church
government, doctrine of Scripture, doctrine of angels, Satan and
spiritual warfare, eschatology.
I regularly read books that apply the Bible to life.
I am consistent in applying what the Spirit teaches me from the
Average for Bible Study:
Measure your prayer life by your sense of communion with God
Do you look forward to spending time with God?
Do you commune with God in the worship service?
Is your heart drawn out to God in the Lord’s Supper?
Do you have a constant awareness of God’s presence/power/ love, etc.
like Enoch did?
Do you have any special times when you are aware of God’s
Do you long to bring holy satisfaction to God?
Is the intimacy of Romans 8:15 an experienced reality? (“For you did
not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received
the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out ‘Abba, Father.’”)
Measure the breadth of your intercessory life
Is your intercession wide enough to include your whole community?
local officials by name? other churches? pastors?
Are you a spiritual watchman for your church? for your city? for
Do you pray for all who are in authority? (1 Tim. 2:1-2) other
nations? world leaders? world problems?
Do you have a list that you pray from (or do you just go from
Measure your prayers by the depth of your life
Do you ever weep or groan over those for whom you are interceding?
Are your intercessions merely born as a duty, or do you carry a
great spiritual burden?
Is the phrase “pray without ceasing” (1 Thes. 5:17) a reality for
you, even though no words may come to your mind? In other words, is
God’s presence and communion a continual reality throughout the day?
Measure your prayers by the height of your life
Do you ever sense that you have reached the throne of grace? Has God
given you assurance of an answer?
How many answered prayers have you received? Have you recorded them?
Are you bold in asking for answers that are worthy of a King? or are
your requests smaller than God?
Are there times when you are so caught up in prayer that you lose
track of time?
Measure your prayers by the length of your life
How would you answer Christ’s question: “Could you not keep watch
with me for one hour?” (Matt 26:40)?
How many times has the Holy Spirit given you a special prayer
What is the length of your prayer list?
How long have you persevered in praying for one person?
Do you find an hour of prayer quite common?
Has God ever given you such a burden for prayer that it has
stretched out longer?
Average for Prayer:
Spiritual warfare skills
I have total confidence that Satan was “bound” at the cross (Mark.
3:27; Luke 11:20; Rev. 20), and that his power is restricted and
restrained (2 Thes. 2:6f), that he has been rendered “powerless over
believers” (Heb. 2:14), has been defeated, disarmed and spoiled
(Col. 2:15; Rev. 12:7ff), that he has no authority over believers
(Col. 1:13), that his works have been destroyed (1 John 3:8) and
that he must flee when he is resisted (James 4:7). This confidence
has made me lose my fear of Satan.
On the other hand, I recognize that this very defeat of Satan has
made him enraged and that he does inflict pain and suffering upon
the church through persecution (Rev. 12:11-17).
I regularly take into account the demonic warfare that goes on
behind the scenes (Eph. 6:12). I see Satan as the ruler over the
world system (1 John 5:19; John 12:31; 14:30; 16:11; Rev. 12:9;
Matt. 4:8-11; Luke 4:5-8; 2 Cor. 4:4) and thus the world stands in
opposition to believers (1 John 2:15-17; John 17:14).
I recognize that Satan seeks to infiltrate the church through both
teachers (2 Cor. 11:13-15; 2 Pet. 2:1-19; cf. use of demons in 1
Tim. 4:1-5) and false disciples (Matt. 13:38-39).
I am competent in the “weapons of our warfare” that are used for
“pulling down strongholds” (2 Cor. 10:3-6) and do not “war according
to the flesh” (v. 3).
I know how to clothe myself in the armor of God and I regularly do
so through prayer.
I know how to take Satan to the courtroom of heaven and seek justice
against Satan from God.
I know the weak chinks in my armor that Satan takes advantage of.
I can instantly recognize demonic attack in my life.
I know how to dedicate a house to God and cleanse it of demons.
I can sense when demonic activity has entered our house.
I know which things and which compromises can easily give Satan
legal grounds for afflicting me, and I know how to guard myself so
that the wicked one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18).
I know how to cast out a demon.
I have had success in praying warfare prayers against Satan’s
I have gone with others in prayer walking, invading Satan’s
territory and claiming it for King Jesus.
I know how to use the imprecatory prayers effectively against God’s
Average for Spiritual warfare skills:
Learning to Relate by Grace to Family, Church and Culture
General Community Principles
I am seeking to obey all the ‘one-another’ passages in scripture by
developing meaningful relationships with other saints.
I have learned to admire my dad, even with all of his faults, and
relate to him with respect.
I bring joy to the family with my humor, laughter, and smiles (Prov.
I understand how my emotions can positively or negatively affect the
I have learned how to empathize with people (Rom. 12:15; Ecc. 7:3).
I regularly engage in hospitality to family and to others.
I am quick to greet new visitors at church and to dialogue with
I do not dominate small group discussions.
I seek to draw people into conversation with the use of good
I do not allow my PMS to ruin the atmosphere of the home.
I create an atmosphere of acceptance and forgiveness despite past
sins and failures.
Average for General Community Principles:
Communication skills for daughters
I understand and practice the Biblical principles of
I appeal, rather than challenge, when I disagree with my parents.
I have learned the language of respect for my parents, and am
confident that I can respect my future husband with my language.
Though I can think of several responses to what my parents are
saying while they are speaking, I patiently wait until they are
finished speaking before responding. (I don’t interrupt.)
I can think through the appropriate motive, goal and standard for
I have practiced non-verbal communication to the point that my body
language effectively reinforces my words.
I am comfortable in expressing love in all five languages of love
(encouraging words, acts of service, gift giving, quality time, and
I have mastered the art of active listening.
I do not punish people with either silent treatment or verbal abuse.
I am very free with praise and thanksgiving to those around me.
I am practicing being my husband’s cheerleader by being a
cheerleader for my parents.
I am aware of how I tend to filter what others say through my own
beliefs, values, attitudes, personality, culture, prejudices,
interests, expectations, assumptions, memories, and images from the
I have put off the bad habits of interrupting before the other
person has spoken.
I do not allow my mind to wander when conversing with someone; nor
do I shut down my mind when the subject matter is not as interesting
to me as to the conversation partner.
I do not multi-task when engaging a person in conversation (unless
they are rudely interrupting my given duties).
I give the other person the benefit of the doubt when they say
something that sounds foolish. This makes me ask clarifying
questions to see if I have understood them correctly, rather than
jumping to conclusions.
I am sensitive to the circumstances when I speak (e.g. Prov. 27:14;
I sometimes try to cheer people’s spirits through laughter (Prov.
17:22; 12:25; 15:13,15)
I try to minister with letters (or phone) to distant friends,
relatives or missionaries (Prov. 25:25)
I can always be trusted to keep my word (Matt. 5:37).
I am not hasty with my words (Prov. 29:30; James 1:19).
I feel comfortable admonishing people when needed (Rom. 15:14).
But, since love covers a multitude of sins, I recognize that there
are times when patience is called for rather than rebuke (1 Thes.
I try to avoid arguments and quarrels (2 Tim. 2:24).
I enjoy greeting others (Rom. 16:3-6,16).
I honor magistrates and others in authority over me even when I
disagree with them (Prov. 23:5; Ex. 22:28; Jude 8).
I honor those who are older than me (1 Tim. 5:1-2; Lev. 19:32). For
example, I do not rebuke an older man, but entreat him as a father
(1 Tim. 5:1). I speak respectfully to my parents.
I do not gossip (Prov. 16:27-28). I keep private things private and
do not broaden the circle of those who need to know about a sin
beyond the circle of those who are helping (Matt. 18:15; Prov.
I do not listen to gossip, but immediately reprove it (Prov. 17:4)
or ask what solution the speaker and I are going to bring to the
situation (since being privy means that both of us must be part of
I have learned when it is useless to reprove someone (Prov. 9:8).
I value the rebukes of others (Psalm 141:5; Ecc. 7:5).
I give true praise rather than flattery (Ps. 12:3) and I understand
the difference between the two.
I am not overly harsh with others, but seek to be gentle (Prov.
12:18; Eph. 4:2,5; 2 Tim. 2:24).
I do not trouble my house (Prov. 11:29) with constant nagging (Prov.
I don’t always speak my mind, but instead seek to be short on words
(Prov. 10:19; 12:13; 13:3; 18:7; 21:23; Ecc. 5:3).
I do not take the name of the Lord in vain, even with euphemisms
(such as Golly, Gosh, Cripes, Jeesh, etc.)
I do not needlessly denigrate a person with name-calling (Matt.
I immediately repent of my lies and confess them to others (Prov.
12:22; Eph. 4:25).
I do not cover my lies by saying, “I was only joking” (Prov. 26:19).
I frequently turn away anger with a soft answer (Prov. 15:1).
The Spirit prompts me to speak a word of blessing that was just
right, or is in the right timing (Prov. 15:23; 25:11).
My words are constructive rather than tearing down (Prov. 12:18;
15:4). And even when they are words that do hurt, they are a loving
hurt designed to promote health (Prov. 27:6).
I am known as a person with “sweetness of lips” (Prov. 16:21,24).
People tend to appreciate me because of the way I say things (Prov.
I do not tear down government (whether civil, church or family), but
rather seek to constructively promote righteousness (Prov. 11:11;
Acts 23:5; Ex. 22:28; Jude 8).
Average for Communication skills:
I do not know of any people who have hurt me in the past that I
still feel deeply wounded by.
I have read The Peacemaker by Ken Sande and know how to apply the
principles in that book.
I regularly teach and/or promote principles of biblical peacemaking.
I do not take the philosophy ‘let a sleeping dog lie’.
I am able to confront others winsomely and gracefully.
There is no one who has hurt me whom I have not forgiven.
I courageously stand against those who would seek to divide the
local body of believers.
I understand and am personally committed to Biblical peacemaking.
I am personally at peace with other members of the church.
There are no outstanding offenses for which I need to ask
I am skilled in bringing conflict out into the open in a
I am willing to enter into constructive conflict out of biblical
love for others.
Average for Peacemaking:
A Woman’s Role as Daughter, Wife and Mother
I feel secure in my relationship with my father.
I find it easy to communicate my heart with my father.
It is a joyful thing for me to be in submission to my father. I do
not hunger for independence.
I do not respond with resentment when I am overruled (Numb
I am a helpmeet to my parents, and am prepared to transition into
being a helpmeet to my husband.
I have tried to anticipate what skills might help me to be a better
helpmeet for my future husband, and am actively learning those
I can list out several ways in which I am helping my father/family
fulfill his calling before the Lord, and am looking forward to doing
so with my future husband.
I do not compete with my father’s calling, and know how to avoid
competing with my future husband.
Average for A Woman’s Role as Daughter, Wife and Mother:
Learning to Develop an Inward Beauty by God’s Grace
Measuring your fellowship with God by your joy
Do you delight in private prayer and gain deep satisfaction from
Do you gain deep satisfaction throughout the day by the knowledge of
God’s presence with you?
Measuring your knowledge by your joy
Are you a biblical realist who sees things from God’s perspective?
(2 Chron. 20)
Are you known to have a positive outlook on life? (Can you see the
silver lining on the storm clouds?)
Do you avoid being overcome by tragedy or discouraging events; are
you sustained by a knowledge of God’s provisions?
Does the thought of forgiveness, peace with God, assurance of
salvation, and victory over temptation give you a deep satisfaction?
Measuring your worship by your joy
Do you find great joy in worship? (Is. 56:7; 2:2-3) Does this joy
depend upon aesthetics (music, oratory, etc.), or is it also present
if your church is like a dungeon (cf. Acts 16:25)?
Are your “Amen’s” and “Praise the Lord’s” an expression to God of
a heart that is burning (as opposed to being a mere social loyalty)?
Are you known as a singing Christian because of your joy in singing?
Is singing merely a convention to you, or do you find yourself
meaning the words and singing them to the Lord?
Measuring your Spirit infilling by your joy
Do you engage in service with joy rather than merely as a duty? (Dt.
28:47; Ps. 100:2) Does this joy give you enthusiasm and perseverance
in your labors (Neh. 8:10)?
Do you have a deep joy in the midst of suffering (as opposed to
being conquered by adversity?)? (Acts 5:41; Matt. 5:11-12; 2 Cor.
6:4,10; 1 Thes. 1:6).
Does your joy give you boldness in witness? (Acts 5:41-42; 4:29-33)
Average for Joy:
Measure your faith by your response to circumstances
Are you able to trust God when the going gets tough?
Is Romans 8:28 a firm conviction of yours even when circumstances
Measure your faith by your attitudes toward God
I can honestly say with Job, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust
Him” (Job 13:15)
Measure your faith by your assurance that God is too good to forget
you, too wise to make a mistake, too loving to let you be ultimately
hurt or be the loser, and too mighty to ever be defeated.
Measure your faith by your response to Scripture
Do the promises of Scripture buoy your spirits?
Do you believe the Scriptures even when it is not politically
correct to do so, or even when it bucks peer pressure?
Do you experience God speaking to you through the Bible?
When you meditate on Scripture do you find it changing your
Measure your faith by your obedience and action
Paul speaks of the “obedience of faith” (Romans 1:5; 16:26) and
every example of faith in Hebrews 11 is of some aspect of tough
obedience. Measure your faith by the consistency with which you do
the right thing even though it scares you to death or is
Do you believe in action (such as pro-life action, evangelism, etc)
but rarely do the action, or are your actions consistent with your
Do you tithe even when it seems like you won’t be able to make ends
Measure your faith by your vision
Do you believe that the Great Commission can be and will be
Do you really believe God can change tough hearts (or do you tend to
give up on them)?
Do you consciously think of laying up treasures in heaven?
Do you believe that God sends angelic protection (2 Kings 6:17)?
Do you believe God’s promise that “I can do all things through
Christ who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13) or do you give up on things
God has convicted you to do?
Measure your faith by your outflowing streams
John 7:38-39 promises that those who believe in Christ will have
rivers of living water flowing out of their innermost being. What
kind of rivers flow out of you? Rivers of love or rivers of
bitterness; rivers of joy or of dreariness and despair; rivers of
life or of death?
I regularly minister to my siblings through kind deeds, actions and
God has brought me to the place where I find joy in serving my
Measure your faith by your initiative
I take risks in advancing God’s cause, just as Abraham left his home
to follow God’s call.
I don’t have to see all the way to the end before I am will to
tackle a project that is Biblical.
I anticipate the desires of my parents and do them without being
Measure your faith by your perseverance
I believe Galatians 6:9 (that we will reap if we do not lose heart)
and therefore I do not easily get discouraged.
I do not give up on Biblical projects even when they are boring and
hard. I am confident that I will be able to finish everything God
has given to me.
Do others see you as reliable?
Measure your faith by your ability to praise God
Praise is a regular part of my life.
I find myself praising God even when I have just gotten a flat tire,
or a leaking roof, or a sprained ankle or opposition of the
neighbors (2 Chron. 20:20-22; cf. Paul & Silas)
Faith causes me not to despair, even though I am perplexed (2 Cor.
Average for Faith:
Disciplines of Thought
Usually my thoughts are about praiseworthy things (Phi. 4:8).
I don’t tend to focus on the faults, failures, and sins of others,
or at least I do not let those faults blind me to what God has
accomplished of good in another’s life.
For the most part, I have gained purity of mind, and do not dwell
upon impure thoughts.
I can teach others how to gain purity of thought.
My mind is not only preoccupied with material things, though I see
all of this material life as a good gift from God.
God’s peace usually rules in my heart (Col. 3:15).
I do not hunger for the praise of men, nor am I disappointed when I
fail to receive such praise.
I memorize Scripture every week.
I meditate on Scripture regularly.
My thoughts do not wander during worship.
Average for Disciplines of Thought:
I focus more on my own need for repentance than I do on the failures
I esteem others better than myself and do not tend to look down on
I recognize my need of God and of the body and do not tend to have a
self-sufficient or independent spirit.
I am more likely to yield rights rather than demanding rights.
I am more motivated to serve others than to be served.
I love letting others get the credit even when I have done much of
I keep being more amazed by how much I still have to learn, rather
than having the attitude that I know it all.
I am more concerned with being real than with being respectable.
I am more concerned with what God thinks of me than with what others
I am quick to admit failure and to ask for forgiveness.
I am able to acknowledge specifics when I confess my sin.
I take the initiative to get reconciled (even when I am not in the
wrong) rather than waiting for the other person to come and ask
I tend to see myself as being far less holy than God rather than
comparing myself to others and thinking of myself as being pretty
I want the Scriptures to uncover unknown sins. Psalm 141:5 is true
of me: “Let the righteous strike me; it shall be a kindness. And let
him rebuke me; it shall be an excellent oil; let my head not refuse
I receive criticism with an open spirit of wanting to grow in grace.
I find it just as easy to pray in private as to pray when others
After I have done a great job, I can agree with the statement, “I am
an unworthy servant of the Lord; I am only doing what is my duty to
do” (Luke 17:10).
I daily pray to God because I sense my total dependence upon Him
I recognize that all my competencies come from God (2 Cor. 3:5-6).
I regularly give God all the glory.
I thank God when I do something embarrassing, because it is one more
opportunity to crucify my fleshly pride.
It is my desire that I might decrease and Christ increase (John
I am able to bless others when they curse me (Rom. 12:14)
I tend to yield my rights more than I claim rights. I don’t have a
I am quick to forgive others who have hurt me, knowing how much I
have sinned against God (Eph. 4:32).
Average for Humility:
I love God with my heart and delight in communion with Him.
I love God with my mind and delight in studying about Him and about
His good creation.
I love God with my strength (my actions).
I express my love to God every day.
I have a great hunger for God’s Word. I diligently search for wisdom
“as for hidden treasure” (Prov. 2:4)
I can measure my love for God by the number of things in my life
that I adjust because I want to please Him.
I can measure my love for God by the number of things I do for
others in Jesus’ name and for Jesus’ sake.
I can measure my love by the degree of joy I have in seeing other
believers walking in the truth (3 John 4)
I can measure my love by my willingness to overlook the failures,
mistakes, weaknesses and shortcomings of other fellow believers.
I can measure my love for the unsaved by the fact that I pray for
Average for Love:
I fast more than once a year.
I get up when the alarm goes off.
I am self-disciplined in my schedule.
At the end of the day, I evaluate how I have done spiritually.
When trying to overcome my sins, I do homework that crucifies the
underlying motivation for the sin. (See Jay Adam’s put offs and put
I have developed a daily discipline of memorization of Scripture and
meditation on those Scriptures.
I typically do the responsible thing rather than the easy thing.
I am quick to repent.
I do not give up in despair when I fall into sin. Instead, I find
cleansing and hope in the cross of Jesus Christ and get back up to
engage myself once again in the battle. (“You have not yet resisted
to bloodshed, striving against sin” in Heb. 12:4 is basically
saying, “Where are your war wounds? How serious are you in your
spiritual battle? You seem to flee before you are even engaged in
I do not view grace as an excuse for sin, but rather can say with
Paul “through Him [Jesus] we have received grace… for obedience…”
I do not have any addictions (pornography, alcohol, caffeine,
prescription drugs, non-prescription products, etc.).
I have a highly developed “sales resistance” to ads, allurements,
and other temptations.
Average for Self-Denial:
I am confident in my calling.
I have a constant sense of God’s presence and love in my life.
When Satan throws in my face all my failures and sins, he cannot
shake my security in Jesus Christ.
I do not get my sense of security from being like other girls.
God has largely helped me to overcome my fear of man.
I have read Ed Welch’s book, When People are Big and God is Small,
and have made major progress in my sanctification in these areas.
I feel secure in who I am as a woman and am glad that God did not
make me a man.
I am confident that I can raise a child.
I am confident that I can manage a home.
I am confident that I could homeschool.
Average for Confidence/Security:
Personal Integrity/Moral Purity
My life is consistent with my values.
I have friends to whom I have given the freedom to point out my
I have an accountability partner who truly challenges me to grow.
I never view pornography or read pulp romance novels.
I do not abuse the Christian liberty of food. I am not overweight.
I do not use alcohol to ‘take the edge off’.
I am not involved in gambling.
I am not involved in inappropriate relationships with the opposite
I am not lazy or undisciplined.
I am not a workaholic.
Average for Personal Integrity:
Understanding Suffering, Personal Limitations and the Fellowship of Christ’s Sufferings
I possess a willingness to admit my limits, mistakes, sins and
I have suffering in my life that has come about as a direct result
of following Jesus Christ.
As a result of viewing my sacrificial service, others have grown in
their love for Christ.
In my life, I demonstrate that the Christian life is a work in
process rather than a completed product.
I deal honestly and forthrightly with the common temptations I face
such as anger, anxiety, love of pleasure, self-love, materialism,
perfectionism, and the like.
I try to avoid wearing my heart on my sleeve, indulging and
wallowing in my limits, mistakes, sins and weaknesses.
I speak of weaknesses in such a way that (1) points to my confidence
in Christ; (2) demonstrates my confidence in the grace of God; (3)
I do not overreact to criticism so as to become more discouraged
than the critic intended.
Through the lens of God’s grace, I can see the best even in
I can name at least 20 purposes that God has given for suffering.
I understand my personal limitations / weaknesses.
I would understand if God sought to bring persecution in America, as
I believe suffering could create a stronger more committed church.
Average for Understanding Suffering:
I demonstrate quiet joy and confidence that comes from a sense of
acceptance by the Father.
I have developed a mission statement for my life, and this has been
translated into priorities and into my schedule.
I am not an anxious or fearful person.
I am not easily aroused to anger, and when I do get angry, I resolve
I take full responsibility for my life and do not blame shift.
I have no bitterness.
I have learned with Paul to have “a conscience without offense
toward God and men” (Acts 24:16).
I know how to show others who to avoid a weak conscience, overly
sensitive conscience, hardened conscience or a legalistic
I am a peacemaker.
I know how to overcome depression in myself.
I understand the pitfalls of forgiveness and the lack of
I know the Biblical principles of friendship.
I know what my gifts are and how to use them to God’s glory.
I know how to seek the Lord in guidance.
I have gained mastery over the lusts of my flesh.
I am trustworthy and void of deceit.
I am ready for marriage.
I use Biblical motivations to keep me going when I want to quit.
I have no prejudice against minorities or other groups that are
different than me.
I have learned how to overcome procrastination.
I am not lazy.
I regularly give my “rights” to God and treat them as
responsibilities of a steward instead. I am OK when God takes my
“rights” away for a time.
I have learned self-confrontation and rarely need to be confronted
I understand what makes me tick sexually and know how to guard
myself so that I can enter marriage with purity.
I have mastered the art of Scriptural meditation to the point that
my thought life is for the most part controlled and under the
discipline of the Spirit.
I personally know how to engage in spiritual warfare.
I know what vocation I want to pursue.
My family is my primary ministry.
I rarely experience serious domestic troubles, and when I do, they
are quickly brought to peaceful resolution through Biblical means.
I make an effort to have daily devotions.
I am competent to lead my future family in family devotions/worship.
I daily take time for my family.
I spend time learning from Dad every week.
I have a close group of friends who love me without condition.
I have a female friend whom I would consider to be my best friend.
I would not consider myself to be lonely.
People who work closely with me would describe me as a person of
I do not make demands of myself and others that God does not make.
Average for Personal Life:
Likeability/Sense of Humor.
I possess a healthy sense of humor.
If I were to get married and have children, I would be able to
instruct my children in what kind of humor is unbiblical and what
kind is Biblical. I would also be able to give tips on how to inject
humor into life.
My visible life and behavior are disciplined, consistent and
attractive to others.
I am not easily caught up in aggressions and fears produced by a
drive to ensure control.
In public forums I rarely express impatience or irritation with
I do not find that I need to have the final say.
I am not abrupt and impatient in my mannerisms.
I am able to confront the failures of others in a way that in not
punitive or irritable but is gracious.
If someone were to tag along with me for a week, they would want to
be my friend.
I have not been told that I have socially offensive or irritating
habits and mannerisms.
I can laugh easily at myself.
I am not overly subjective, nor do I gauge the Christian life by
emotions and sentiment.
Average for Likeability:
Learning to Leverage Your Role in God’s Kingdom
I do not launch initiatives before thinking through questions of
cost and resources (Luke 14:28-32)
I am a ‘big picture’ person never losing sight of the greater
I find it easy to communicate my vision to others.
I believe that I have an eternal perspective on the mundane things
that I do day by day.
I am driven by the Greatness of the Great Commission as articulated
in the four ‘all’s: all authority, all nations, all things Jesus
commanded, & all the days. (see the Biblical Blueprints website;
search for “Four Alls”)
I have clearly defined core values.
I am able to clearly articulate a specific philosophy of ministry.
My mission/vision has been translated into prioritization of the
things that I do, and is reflected in my schedule (i.e., high
priority items are not neglected in the schedule).
Average for Mission/Vision:
I have concrete goals for the coming year, and have discussed those
goals with my father.
I have life goals, and have discussed those goals with my father.
I plan my week, and I do so every week.
I have aspirations of what I can pass on to my grandchildren.
I am already making positive decisions that will benefit my children
I understand the eight laws of harvest and am highly motivated by
I do not easily get discouraged and give up (Gal. 6:9).
I frequently think about how my actions will make a long-term
I think from an eternal perspective, and I rejoice in being able to
lay up treasures in heaven.
I practice deferred gratification (denying myself pleasures now so
that I can have more in the future).
Proverbs 22:3 (and 27:12) describes me as a prudent man: “A prudent
man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and
Just as a good chess player can see several plays ahead, I can
usually discern the long-term ramifications of theological decisions
and personal decisions.
Average for Future Orientation:
Preparing for Your Calling as Wife
A woman’s preparation for marriage begins when she is a little child.
She will catch far more by watching and imitating her parents than she
will by being verbally taught. Rather than waiting until a girl is
married before she is taught how to love her husband, how to manage his
household, etc., she can be taught by doing those things within the
home. Obviously there will be many differences once a marriage has taken
place, but the transition from being under the authority of the father
to being under the authority of the husband should be a much smoother
transition than it normally is. The following are some areas of
preparation that can be made long before a woman gets married.
I have read a good book on Biblical Principles for Marriage, such as
Wayne Mack’s, Strengthening Your Marriage.
I have been taught how to love my future husband (Tit. 2:4).
I am sensitive to the differences in the way men and women think,
plan, drive, communicate, etc.
I practice strong, Spirit-enabled, joyful submission in my
submission to my father, and handle the overruling of my decisions
(see Numbers 30) with a gracious spirit.
Disagreements with those in authority over me do not rob me of my
joy or confidence.
I regularly pray for my future husband’s walk with God and
preparation for marriage.
I am practicing not unfavorably comparing my future husband to other
men by refusing to do the same for my father.
I have been taught principles of discretion, chastity (Tit. 2:5),
and modesty (1Tim. 2:9).
I have been taught how to be a good homemaker (Tit. 2:5).
I have a good work ethic in the way I “manage the house” (1Tim.
5:14; Prov. 31:27b).
I am learning how to handle household finances, accounting
principles, budget, etc wisely.
My family can safely trust me (see Prov. 31:11) with any home
project I am left with.
I keep the house neat and clean.
I love extending hospitality to visitors (1Tim. 5:10; Prov.
I have learned how to be a creative cook (Prov. 31:14).
I understand the woman’s unique role in the dominion mandate and am
prepared to help my husband succeed.
I can honestly say that I bring my family “gain” (see Prov. 31:11b).
I seek my family’s welfare (Prov. 31:12).
I help to expand my family’s dominion (Prov. 31:13-14a) and economic
position (Prov. 31:16).
I am a spiritually strong woman (Prov. 31:17a).
I keep myself physically fit (Prov. 31:17b).
I always seek to excel in the quality of my workmanship (Prov.
I am generous (Prov. 31:20).
I am future oriented and prepared for emergencies (Prov. 31:21).
I know how to dress for success and to help my family dress for
success (Prov. 31:19,21-22,24).
I know how to teach others (homeschooling or otherwise) (Prov.
I have been taught to plan for our family’s needs and to not be
under the tyranny of the urgent (Prov. 31:27a).
I am a daughter of excellence and am prepared to be a wife of
excellence (Prov. 31:28-29).
My leadership in the home brings my parents great joy (see Prov.
I seek to live Coram Deo rather than with charm and manipulation
I enjoy the fruits of my labors without feeling guilty (Prov. 31).
I know not only how to work hard, but also how to relax and rest
I am preparing myself to submit to my future husband’s spiritual
leadership by submitting to my father’s spiritual leadership in the
I do not nag my parents (see 1Pet 3:1).
I am practicing how to be attractive for my husband by being
attractive for my family.
I pray daily for those in authority over me.
I have learned how to be driven by truth in my home (2John 2-6).
I have a growing “hope chest” of things that will be helpful in our
I am already learning a home business (Prov. 31).
Average for Preparing for Your Calling as Wife:
Preparing for Your Calling as Mother
Preparing a child to be a mother can start quite young. Even the
youngest children can be taught proper attitudes through dolls. Later
they can be involved in watching out for the younger children. Character
issues should be frequently discussed and practiced. A vision for having
many children can be deeply inculcated. Of course, far more is caught by
watching a parent than as is learned from verbal instruction.
I have been taught how to love my future children and nurture them
I have been taught principles of disciplining children (Prov.
I know how to homeschool children (perhaps by homeschooling siblings
or helping with children from other families).
I have learned how not to be driven by the tyranny of the urgent or
the tyranny of demanding people, but to balance the needs of people
with the demands of a schedule.
I have learned the Biblical principles of counseling. (See Jay
Adams, Competent to Counsel, Jay Adams, The Christian Counselors
Manual, John C. Broger’s, Self-Confrontation, Pam Forster,
Instruction in Righteousness.)
I have learned how to disciple people in an in depth way. (See
Robert E. Coleman, The MasterPlan of Evangelism.)
I know how to pass on the five C’s of healthy leadership to my
children with the 4 Dynamics of building leaders. (See Malcolm
Webber’s SpiritBuilt Leadership, volumes 2 and 4.)
I have learned all the principles of babysitting – 1) First Aid
principles, how to recognize serious illness, how to handle choking,
and how to handle emergencies in babysitting, 2) changing diapers
and basic hygiene of children, 3) how to be a peacemaker when
quarrels arise, 4) monitoring food and fluid intake, 5) etc.
I understand the difference between being in control and being
I have learned to recognize the generational sins that I must work
hard at not passing on to my children (Ezek. 16:44).
Children find that my leadership brings them joy and is not
suffocating (Prov. 31:28).
I have learned gentleness, even with sinful children (1Thes. 2:7).
I have been effective at speaking about the faith with others (2Tim.
I know how to anticipate and put into practice the desires of my
parents and believe that I will be able to anticipate and put into
practice the desires of my future husband even when he will not be
Average for Preparing for Your Calling as Mother:
Preparing for your calling as a manager of the household
This category and some of the others also relate to motherhood, but I
have separated out these competencies in a topical arrangement for
Household management (cooking, sewing, etc)
I have a growing collection of “winner” recipes.
I have a time management plan for cleaning, shopping,
administration, and other aspects of running a home.
I have learned how to sew.
I have learned how to cook for crowds as well as how to cook for
I have learned how to bring aesthetics to cooking.
I have learned the science of nutrition.
I have learned how to make balanced, nutritious meals.
I have learned the basics of microbiology.
I have learned the basics of hygiene.
I have learned techniques for cleaning and polishing various
surfaces, removing various stains, proper methods for laundering
clothing, and other efficient ways of cleaning.
I am used to following a calendar for keeping track of periodic
chores such as changing filters, checking smoke detectors, etc.
I have an efficient and budget-conscious way of shopping for weekly
I know how to manage long-term storage of food and other items.
I have an efficient and expandable filing system.
I have a system for keeping track of books (Dewey Decimal,
Alphabetic, Subject, Library of Congress, or other).
I have a system in place for keeping track of children’s medical
I have learned to be more efficient in household management through
the use of computer technology.
I know how to check for pests (ants, cockroaches, mice – not
I have a way of tracking household expenses and becoming more
I have an efficient system for handling finances (Quicken, Excel,
Mvelopes, an manual envelope system, etc.)
I have been taught how to quickly estimate costs for hosting a large
I know how to save money by buying in volume.
Average for Household management:
General Planning/Management/Handling Stress
I adapt quickly, flexibly and creatively to the unexpected
I use my time very efficiently.
I am able to do two things at once (and if not, I know how to
compensate for my one-track limitation).
I do not regularly operate in crisis mode
I am regarded as someone who can bounce back after failure.
I have a good mixture of seriousness and joy.
I do not tend to blow in the wind of others’ opinions or get
overwhelmed by people’s demands and agendas.
I exemplify confidence in the sovereign control of God.
I do not have a difficult time saying “no” simply because I fear the
disapproval of people. Instead, I judge each request for help in
view of God’s calling.
I do not make commitments without considering time demands.
Rather than trying to “invent the future” in my planning, I try to
discern what God is doing and seek to align my plans to His
I demonstrate a flexible spirit out of confidence in God’s control
over all things, God’s authority over me and God’s presence with me.
I try to stay in good health through exercise, good sleep habits,
and good eating habits.
I have a daily five minute PEP and a weekly longer PEP. PEP =
Prayer (for guidance),
Evaluation of what you have done in
the recent past, and Planning for the future.
I operate with a schedule and with a written to-do list.
I implement time management principles quite well.
Average for General Planning:
See household management and other sections for other stewardship
I presently tithe.
I give above and beyond the tithe.
I give the first fruits of my time & talent to the ministry.
I am a good steward of personal finances.
I am a good steward of the clothing, books and assets that I have.
I am generous with my money.
I save money for emergencies, large future purchases and for
retirement rather than borrowing money.
I know the principles of wise investment.
I do not have any debts other than house and business.
I would not be embarrassed if someone were to look at my check
I know how to counsel others out of debt. I can also teach them how
to make a budget.
I am not an impulse buyer. I almost always purchase things according
to a plan and budget.
Average for Stewardship skills:
I can work well with a team, whether I am in charge or not.
I have learned how to effectively use division of labor when I have
been put in charge of projects.
I have learned leadership principles.
I have learned how to delegate tasks effectively.
I do not over-manage people to whom I have delegated a task, nor do
I abandon oversight altogether. I work with my team in a way that
Average for Delegation:
Note that though a wife is under authority, she is also a person who is
in authority. The fact that she cannot lead men does not mean a woman
should not learn leadership skills. Every mother must have leadership
skills or she will fail to inspire her children. Every older woman
should aspire to mentoring immature Christian women (Titus 2:3-5). The
woman of Proverbs 31 (like Lydia) had to know how to manage servants.
Thus, it is imperative that girls be raised to be leaders as well.
I can see the need for change before others do.
I am not simply a problem solver. I can see opportunities that can
be exploited where others see only problems that need to be solved.
I have a God-given desire to mobilize others even when there is
strong resistance or inertia.
For an excellent discussion of the 5Cs and 4Ds of leadership
development, see books 2 and 4 of Malcolm Webber’s Spirit Led
Leadership series. These can be purchased at
www.sgai.org. The 5Cs are Christ, Community,
Character, Calling and Competencies. The 4Ds are Spiritual,
Relational, Experiential and Instructional.
I can quickly and simply explain the 5Cs and 4Ds of Christ’s
leadership development to others.
I have the 5C’s of Christ, Community, Character, Calling and
Competencies strongly anchored in my life.
I am constantly seeking to improve this world and myself. I don’t
accept the idea that “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
I know how to compensate for my own weaknesses through collaboration
I am good at helping others to succeed without needing credit for
I am great at delegation, empowering and inspiring, and follow up.
I am quick to admit when I don’t know or when I have made a mistake,
and I am just as quick to learn from my mistakes.
I am able to make my conceptual visionary plans concrete enough that
others want to buy into them. I know how to share the vision with
stories, illustrations and word-pictures.
I seek to clarify my vision by 1) seeking God’s will, 2) evaluating
the past (weakness, strengths, patterns, etc), 3) testing my
assumptions to see if I am being blinded to something that others
I benefit from even “off the wall” criticism, and do not become
bitter through unfair words. I try to see the kernel of truth in all
I have servant leadership. I am truly interested in the welfare of
others. I am not bossy when I lead.
I am a good listener, and can get to the bottom of an issue by
asking good questions.
When leading people through change, I am able to help people
understand why change is being made.
I am skilled at aligning time, resources, and other people who share
my vision in order to achieve biblical goals.
Others recognize my leadership skills.
I am a strategic critical thinker.
I make decisions easily with confidence.
I am an effective problem solver.
I do not have a difficult time following through on commitments.
I am comfortable with other people receiving the credit for my
I can clarify lines of authority with authority and grace.
Prayer saturates my life.
I have a strong sense of my calling and can describe that to others.
I understand the difference between Biblical leadership methods and
I understand the dynamics of working with a team.
I have a deep burden to see people made mature in Christ.
Seeing God’s people suffer from their own sins or the sins of others
I do not tend to become overly absorbed in people, caring too much
because of 1) a desire to be liked, 2) nor having a savior-complex
or 3) nor having a fear of failure.
I am not naively optimistic about people, nor overly cynical.
I am able to develop relationships of honesty and trust through
which I comfort and challenge my family.
I demonstrate and communicate care for people in ways they can
In funerals I can be winsomely joyful yet show that I enter into the
I respond graciously when called upon for help at an inconvenient
People who know me well describe me as a good listener.
I am able to share my beliefs and suggestions without forcing them
I am faithful and eager to visit and spend time with individuals.
I do not tend to create in others a fear of failure and a fear of
being found wrong. Instead, I create a love for ongoing growth in
the Lord and love for ever-deepening truth.
Average for Leadership skills:
Leadership development in others
I am firmly convinced that God is the ultimate leader builder, and I
can see Him at work in the lives of my siblings, parents and
associates. If I were mentoring them in leadership, I would know
many providential issues that I could capitalize on to help them
I regularly pray for the leadership growth of others.
I am not just a book person, but I highly value the role that all
the communities play in leadership development (family, church,
business, small group, neighborhood, etc).
I am convinced that people learn best by doing and through
I know the principle by which Christ taught His disciples to grow
through challenging assignments, and I know how to avoid giving
assignments too high that they discourage or assignments too low
that they are boring.
I don’t put everyone into the same mould or expect everyone to do
things my way. I value the diversity of gifts and personalities that
God has given to the church.
I understand the value of both team and individual learning
assignments and would know how to use both in raising up another
generation of leaders.
I don’t try to protect people from God’s fires and pressures.
Instead, I try to help them through the fire and to capitalize on
the learning experience in light of Romans 8:28.
I have a mentor to whom I turn for guidance and counsel.
I am committed to raising up the next generation of leadership.
I can encourage an atmosphere of freedom that encourages people to
find their own ministry.
I am skilled at building lasting relationships.
I regularly inspire confidence in others.
I delegate effectively and try to delegate according to skills and
I encourage people who have been through trials to minister to those
facing similar difficulties.
I encourage others to commit to support the work of the church by
employing their God given talents.
I am not threatened by other leaders that possess greater gifts than
Average for Leadership development:
I have the ability to motivate others.
I demonstrate a flexible spirit out of confidence in God’s control
over all things, God’s authority over me and God’s presence with me.
I am not vague and/or negative when telling team members about
I work well on a team, cooperating and communicating effectively
I am able to administrate work groups in an efficient way.
I do not despise administration.
I return calls promptly and I regularly meet appointments.
I do not allow jobs to expand to the amount of allotted time.
Instead, I always seek to be more efficient.
I have a system for effective follow-up and care.
I find great satisfaction in giving others positions of significant
Average for Ministry management:
Outward Beauty – Dangers, benefits and management of
I understand what the Bible says about beauty, cosmetics, jewelry,
and perfumes, and I know how to use them tastefully. See booklet by
Phillip Kayser, Aids to Beautification.
I have practiced these Biblical methods of beautification and have
learned what is appropriate for various occasions.
I know how my outward appearance loudly communicates (or
miscommunicates), things about me. See booklet by Phil Kayser,
Dressed up for Church?! for some insights on this kind of
I know the difference between being “dressed like a prostitute”
(Prov. 7:10) and “modest apparel” (1Tim. 2:9), and know how to dress
without causing men to stumble.
I seek to avoid the hypocrisy of wearing a “garment of praise” (Is.
61:3), yet neglecting an inner beauty (1Pet 3:3-6).
I have a wardrobe for garden work as well as for casual,
semi-casual, semi-formal, and formal occasions. I know how to
distinguish what is appropriate for each occasion, despite our
culture’s tendency toward a socialistic erasing of all such
I understand the Biblical principles for hygiene & grooming. I have
learned successful methods for dealing with body odor and bad
I have learned creative ways of adorning my hair without being
I have learned to be comfortable with the way God made my body in
both its beauty and in its defects.
Average for Outward Beauty:
I have read a good systematic theology textbook, such as Robert
Reymond’s, A New Systematic Theology.
I can give a Biblical proof for the main doctrines of Christendom,
and am prepared to teach my children these doctrines. (Note below
which areas you still need study in.)
Doctrine of the Trinity
Doctrine of the person and work of Christ (including atonement,
pre-incarnate work, mediatorial work, prophet, priest and king, etc)
Doctrine of the Holy Spirit
Doctrine of the Bible, including its inspiration, inerrancy,
sufficiency, power, nature, uses, etc.
Doctrine of church government
Doctrine of baptism
Doctrine of salvation (including issues such as predestination,
total depravity, calling, regeneration, justification,
Doctrine of angels and demons
Doctrine of Creation
A Biblical philosophy of history
Doctrine of eschatology
I regularly search the Scriptures for answers to current issues,
rather than simply taking someone else’s word for it.
I understand the difference between orthodoxy and liberalism.
I do not tend to discuss certain “pet” theological topics to the
point of boredom and irritation.
I am not combative, critical or defensive in my applications of
Scripture, but rather, have a trust in God’s Spirit to open people’s
eyes to the truths of the Bible.
I have clear, definite and thought-out biblical positions on the
issues of life and am ready to teach my children how to think
Biblically in these areas. (Note which areas you still need to work
I can Biblically describe the disadvantages of youth groups versus
I can teach the value of a good reputation.
Average for Theological Background:
Teaching from the Bible
I can teach the following issues from the Bible:
Reverence/Respect for authority
The proper use of self-defense and weapons ownership.
Why God is non-partisan and politicians must be partisan to God.
Raising children, including discipline, instruction, and family
Building hedges to protect you from sinful lusts. How to flee from
youthful lusts. How to gain purity of mind.
Biblical Economics versus socialism.
Principles of stewardship
Medical ethics including problems with current definitions of death
(“brain death,” “social death,” etc), government regulation,
cloning, in vitro fertilization, etc.
Biblical Counseling versus psychology
Public education controversy.
How to deal with envy
How to fight for joy
How to detect humanistic optimism and pessimism versus Biblical
Ways in which modern evangelicalism has compromised the five solas
of the Reformation: Sola Scriptura, Sola Gratia, Solus Christus,
Sola Fide, Sole Deo Gloria.
Biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage.
How to deal with anger
Why God gave us the genealogies
Biblical work ethic
Fear of God
The value of Wisdom
The need for a new reformation
Answering supposed contradictions in the Bible
Modesty and proper attire for various occasions
Courtship versus dating
How to listen to a sermon
Meeting God is the “secret place”
Confidence vs. Cowardice
Our heritage of great heroes
How to start a Bible study/prayer meeting
Biblical principles of good communication and conversation skills
How to read a newspaper
How to inspire others
A Biblical theology of persecution/suffering
I can explain to another person how to gain control of impure
thoughts through Biblical disciplines.
I can articulate a thoroughly Biblical view of politics (such as a
defense of the three branches of government, separation of powers,
limited powers, delegated powers, Biblical penology, Biblical
principles of court jurisprudence, etc.).
I can defend the Bible’s position on parental involvement in
I can defend from the Bible the regulative principle of government
(that the family retains to itself all power, rights and ministries
that are not explicitly given by the Bible to church government or
I can relate Biblical teaching to current events, issues, and human
needs that appear in the newspaper.
I can explain complex issues clearly and fairly to all sides.
My theological convictions are not simply abstract, theoretical and
scholastic. Every doctrine has practical applications to life.
Average for Teaching from the Bible:
I have read several good books on worldview.
I understand in practical terms what Christ meant when He said, “all
authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth” (Matt.
28:18), and that makes a huge difference in my practice and
I believe that the command to disciple all nations involves more
than simply winning a few individuals out of all nations, and I
believe this is an achievable goal.
I understand what a nation would look like when it becomes
Recognizing the huge danger of antinomians, I am still able to
fulfill the admonition in 2 Timothy 2:24: “And a servant of the Lord
must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in
humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will
grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth” (2 Tim.
I have read quite widely on books that show how to disciple nations.
I have an awareness of issues confronting Global Church.
Average for Worldview issues:
I have read a good book on Informal Logic.
I have read a good book on Formal Logic.
I can discern logical fallacies in the newspaper.
I can discern logical fallacies in normal conversations.
I can explain logical fallacies when I see them.
I do not use logic to humiliate people, but to help them.
Average for Logic:
I have read several good books on apologetics, such as Greg
Bahnsen’s, Apologetics to the Glory of God, or Gordon Clark’s A
Philosophy of Science and Belief in God.
I know how to graciously interact with unbelievers about a wide
variety of subjects.
I can bring apologetics down to a simple level that children can
Average for Apologetics:
Summary of scores
Deep Communion with God
Developing a Sonship Relationship vs. an Orphan Heart
Spiritual warfare skills
General Community Principles
Communication skills for daughters
A Woman’s Role as Daughter, Wife and Mother
Disciplines of Thought
Personal Integrity/Moral Purity
Understanding Suffering, Personal Limitations and the Fellowship of Christ’s Sufferings
Likeability/Sense of Humor.
Preparing for Your Calling as Wife
Preparing for Your Calling as Mother
Household management (cooking, sewing, etc)
General Planning/Management/Handling Stress
Leadership development in others
Outward Beauty – Dangers, benefits and management of
While the ESV and a few other versions take “his virgin” as a
reference to a single man’s fiancé, I firmly believe this is talking
about a man’s virgin daughter. The Greek word in verse 38 should be
translated “gives in marriage,” not “marries” (as in the ESV). Here
is how the NASB translates this:
But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his
virgin daughter, if she should be of full age, and if it must be
so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin; let her marry.
But he who stands firm in his heart, being under no constraint,
but has authority over his own will, and has decided this in his
own heart, to keep his own virgin daughter, he will do well.
So then both he who gives his own virgin daughter in marriage
does well, and he who does not give her in marriage will do
better. (1Cor. 7:36-38)